Born To Be Mild

For a very long time, I’ve had the sneaking suspicion that most of the people you see at Wal-Mart, riding around in those little scooters, have no physical disability at all, but are just too lazy (and not ashamed of it) to walk the aisles with the rest of us.  Yes. We go to Wal-Mart.  We love Wal-Mart.  Quality merchandise at low prices, and a great place to make fun of watch other people.

But this realization that a great many people are not physically disabled, but rather are just lardbutts who can’t bother to waddle up and down the aisles under their own power is disquieting.  I mean, what’s our big, fat country coming to?

So it was with a certain amount of hesitation Thursday when my wife Tammy insisted that I ride the scooter around the grocery store here in in High Point.  It was, actually a good idea: the store is big, and it’s been less than two weeks since I’ve had open-heart surgery.  And although I probably could have walked, it would have been slow-going and somewhat painful.  Plus, my shirt chafes against the foot-long incision in my chest, and, all things considered, it was better to use the scooter.  Sigh.

I just knew, of course, that everyone would now think I was the aforementioned lazy lardbutt.  Tammy suggested I pin a note to my shirt saying  “Recent Heart Surgery,” but I thought that might be going a bit too far.  And, well, I’m not even supposed to drive for another week, so I guess this scooter is probably a good idea.  But I hate it.

Unidentified person who should probably be walking

Anyway, I got aboard and revved up.  As much as you can rev up a scooter which, by the way, will not move any faster than a brisk walk.  At first I found this disappointing, but then realized that this is prudent.  I took off, singing  “Born To Be Wild” in a weak voice, as I dodged (barely) a pickle display and a few older women who just were not paying attention.

By the way, have you ever noticed that, no matter how spacious and uncrowded the aisle is, people will invariable park two shopping carts side by side, effectively blocking the aisle?   The could be the only other people in the aisle, except me (or you, of course) and they’ll block the way.  I really am amazed at how so many people are completely oblivious to others.

It took just a tiny bit more skill to maneuver around the displays and carts, and to leave slower children uninjured than I thought it would.  I expect I’ll probably use the scooter again if we go back this week, but after that, it’s back to walking.   I ain’t no lardbutt.


One thought on “Born To Be Mild

  1. Maybe that’s what Jesus meant by “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” 🙂 But I know what you mean. Doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks anyway!

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